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Halo 3 Release Mistaken for Rapture

by uncle romulus

EARTH - According to a leaked NSA report: on September 25th, 2007, an undisclosed number of Americans dialed a hotline designated for members of a radical Episcopal sect. The group began the hotline in 2000 to help them mobilize in the event that the rapture occurred and they were “left behind.”

It became popular in 2003 when Christian Death Metal recording artist, Michael Archangel, wore a t-shirt with the number displayed across it. There were approximately 75 thousand people who saw his band, "RiSeN from the DeAd" on the 2003 tour all through which he wore the shirt. The hotline was so popular that the band named an album and song (contained on that album) after it. You might have even seen their video on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. Remember “1-800-RAPTURE”? Neither do we.

The lyrics proclaimed “When the writing’s on the wall, it’s the number you should call, when you see the burning bush dial 1-800-RAPTURE, baby.”

Evidently, the wannabe southern-Baptist-but-can’t-drink-enough organization thought it was a good way to remember their emergency number. However, this time it turned out to be just another rapture-drill. When Larry Nabisko, a Grand Cardinal Wizard in the cult, arrived at his job as a “computer technologist” for Nuvox that Tuesday, he arrived to a room filled with empty cubicles. In fact, it was the first time in his seven years there that he had to turn off the alarm in the twenty-three story building. “When I got here, I naturally assumed it was the Rapture. I mean I knew it wasn’t a holiday. We’re not like those Jehovah’s Witness freaks who don’t celebrate holidays.”

“When my 13 and 14 year old sons didn’t come home that night, I didn’t really worry too much. Then I thought what if it’s the rapture? And you know; when you see the burning wall and the writin’s on the bush, dial that number and all.” - Dee Dee Locker, 28.

Needless to say it was a shock but not a disappointment for Mr Nabisko and Mrs Locker to learn that they had been exempt from the arrival of Master Chief and not the Messiah. X-box released Halo 3 on that particular Tuesday and on that date they sold 2.48 million copies. Imagine how many of those people called into work Tuesday morning while freezing outside a Best Buy at 3am. We’d say about 2.48 million. And we’d be about two-hundred thousand short. Apparently, the other missing copies were attributed to familial re-disbursement.

The organization, which denies its own existence, declined to be interviewed, but assured us they were changing the number to "1-800-something else” as soon as they pay their phone bill at lunch.

editor@darkcornernews.com