The Local Noose

No head too big. No head too small.

Fire at Famous Grease Pit

by k. hakis

DARK CORNER - There are countless eternal questions: what is the sound of one hand clapping, why are we here, can a butterfly flapping its wings in Chicago cause a Tsunami in Belgium, if a tree falls in the forest and lands on a relative’s truck and that relative isn’t there did I really cut down the tree, if Joe Dill’s Garage caught fire would the flames ever stop burning… These are questions that cause us to question ourselves and the worlds around us. These are questions without answers. So they’re the annoying kind.

However, last week an eternal question was given an infernal answer when Joe Dill’s Garage Grease Emporium and Rust Museum fell victim to a stray cigarette butt.

According to sources (my second cousin at the Gowensville Volunteer Fire Department), Mr. Dill’s establishment caught fire during a morning employee smoke break. That puts the time of ignition at 9:30, 9:36, 9:41, 9:46, 9:51, 9:56, 10:01, 10:06, or 10:11 since employee’s noticed the fire when they stepped outside for their 10:16 smoke break. “The time frame has been tough to nail down due to conflicting eye witness accounts,” my cousin said. “Alls we know for sure is that it was while the employees were on a smoke break and that, according to Willy Jackson, it wasn’t him that did it ‘cause he quit smoking yesterday [the day before the fire] and bought some of that don’t smoke gum.”

Roy Sloan, an employee of Mr. Dill’s, said that he and his co-workers take an average of eighty smoke breaks in a typical work day, adding that, “I ain’t never see’d nobody not flick their cigarette in the dirt. That’s just how you do.”

With an average of four hundred cigarettes thrown into what has been called “The Great Dill Oil Slick” every day, it’s miraculous that this is the first fire to take place here.

Lonnie Lewis, an expert at extracting side view mirrors from Chevrolets and a long-time employee of Dill’s says that the reason there have not been fires until now is obvious. “Foreign oil. See, we been getting more and more foreign makes in here, and that foreign oil they leak ain’t like the American-made stuff. It don’t take much to spark that Jap crap. When Willy flicked that Pall Mall over next to that Mitsubi, it was like Christmas at Mama’s house.”

Willy maintains his innocence and claims it was Lonnie who flicked a filterless Camel near a Mazda.

No matter who flicked what next to what, the fact is we are all victims. A landmark is gone along with fives of jobs. When asked if the local economy would rebound, Big Vanda, clerk at W.E. Willis #5, said it was just too early to say. Other analysts sitting on the bench in front of the store were also skeptical. Dill’s stock was at an all-time low as of end of trading yesterday at Whitey’s Auto Auction.

It is still unclear how this tragedy will affect Mr. Dill’s political future, or the price of a tow from Red Turner Road to W.E. Willis #5.